Sain tassa pieni hetki sitten kirjotettua Naiskirjallisuuden kurssin lopputyon, ja ajattelin etta sepas kertoo musta paljon.


Lukekaapa Tanjan tarina :)




The New Spelling of My Name
Modeled after A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde



To whom do I owe what I know, care about, and am now; whose world of thought do I hold embedded in me?

To my mother, the undeniable queen of my universe. Acceptance, love, care, support, wisdom, strength, independence, success, and magnificence all received a bodily form in my mother, and not a single day goes by that a thankful prayer to the heavens is not sent for her existence. Through her hard work, amazing character, and example “even my memories of poverty are seen through a screen of blooms” (Walker 2320-2321), for even in the midst of distress, love was what made our family prosperous. From now until the last of my days, I wish to be a witness of my mother’s life. If even a tenth of what is seen in her can be mirrored in my life, I will be well off. I am the biggest fan of all that my mother is.

“My father leaves his psychic print upon me” (Lorde 2132), as a rough path of disputes and frustration has slowly led to great respect. Willpower, self-sacrifice, intellect, incredible faith, and unending love are the ingredients that make up the greatest father on planet earth. The old rebellion and even contempt, that my young heart felt, have been replaced by admiration and love, and the often so disregarded words now echo in my mind, forming parts of my conscience that I can not, nor want to, ignore any longer. My father is in me.

Let me not forget, I have another Father. God has not always been as close to my heart as He is now, but His love is what has carried me through all my life. As little Marie in Erdrich’s Saint Marie, I have often felt as if I were in a battle with the corrupt and hypocrite world of religion. Not living up to certain people’s and the church’s expectations left me confused, and it was not until learning to see past religion and into the true essence of faith and God’s open arms that I could truly feel the blessing of having Him lead my life. That I do not have to fit certain shoes to be loved and accepted by my heavenly Father has been the greatest realization of my life. I am a child of God.

To Jesus Christ, whom I hold as an important example of how to live and love. Although I could never imagine doing as much goodness in my life as He did, I can strive to be His “signature made clear“ (Walker 2322). I am a disciple.

To schooling and all those that have taught me, for as intellectuals like bell hooks and Mary Wollstonecraft have realized, in education lies the solution to discrimination and prejudice (Hooks), because “intellect will always govern” (Wollstonecraft 261). Through the opportunities for education that I have been granted, the unstable mind is learning to step above prejudice (Wollstonecraft 262); it is able to “see more life” (Wollstonecraft 265), and it can choose more and more for itself (Wollstonecraft 263), rather than letting stereotypes and the world’s expectations reign over my thoughts. Through education, a realization of how little I know enters, and a yearning for more information, insight, and knowledge follows automatically. The quest for wisdom is unending, but I am on my way towards more understanding and maybe in the end becoming an intellect. I am a student - a “journeywoman” (Lorde 213) - for life.

To Mr. Leif Hongisto, my high school philosophy and religion teacher, who encouraged me to think outside the box and not limit myself to the easiest and most common answers and explanations for questions of any kind. Explore and analyze all possible options, always ask “but what if?”, leave room for other people’s opinions, have an open mind and allow your mind to expand a little more every day, respect others, never cross the fence where it is the lowest, and never turn down an opportunity for an interesting conversation or debate are all things that I consider having learned from him. I am a question-asker, an answer seeker, and a philosopher of my kind.

To the oh-so-hated boarding school. The few frustrating rules and the problems with the deans, and even the inevitable drama and gossiping, did not change the fact that the six years of dormitory-life were the best ones in my life. Independence, maturity, and coping methods acquired there are essential to surviving all the changes of place, culture, and both primary and secondary groups that I have went through. Because of those teenage-years, I am able to be a go-getter, a problem-solver, a survivor. I am an independent woman.

To music, that has taught me so much, shown me worlds that I never knew existed, and brought out parts of me that would have remained forever undiscovered. Like Edna’s art (Chopin), music serves as an escape route, a peaceful place, an understanding companion, and a paint with which to color the air and express myself. I am affected. I am a listener.

To this world, as it is today, and to history. Education is an extremely wide concept, as learning and broadening one’s mind does not take place only in a classroom and in the form of a lecture. Experiencing different cultures, living among different people, and learning of the times before my time have influenced my ideology and views on life greatly. Every day something fascinating can take place, and taking whatever lesson is offered is a powerful tool for expanding the views I hold. Eyes blind to the world of possibilities, ears deaf to the teachings of the rest of humanity, and a mind closed for any outside influences are the greatest downfalls of so many of today’s societies. Truly, “Men and women must be educated, in a great degree, by the opinions and manners of the society they live in” (Wollstonecraft 263), but that is not all. What affects life today extends through the pages of history and past the boarders of nationality. And what affects life today affects me. “I am a sum total of those who came before me” (Harris); I am a citizen of the world.

To the campus shooter at Virginia Tech, to the pedophiles lurking in the interned chat rooms, to O.J. Simpson, and to Osama Bin Laden and the terrorists of 9/11. The images of the falling towers and of the thousands of dust-covered people on the streets of shocked New York City have left a permanent mark in my heart and soul. I wish never to get sucked into something resulting in such evilness; I wish never to be anything like those suicide pilots or cold-blooded killers. The power of religion, charisma, and persuasion is nearly as interesting a topic as are the various ways the human mind works. What prompts an individual into causing such harm onto his or her fellow beings? How can a person willingly give her or his own life for acts of violence and hatred? What are the motives behind all the crime in the world? What are the forces dominating the minds of offenders - murderers, thieves, rapists, embezzlers? Does a potential criminal reside in all of us - including me? I am a future forensic psychologist and criminologist.

The two bloodlines that run in my veins, brought into me by the southerner who I call father and the northerner, my mother, are thick, at times blending into each other, at others so separate that a wall of otherness could be built between them. I feel that I at times see things that others may not, for I have often been “the other” and yet on other occasions been a part of the norm. The confusion of trying to separate the two different backgrounds so deeply rooted in me made life unbearable at times. As the Chinese-Americans in Maxine Hong Kingston’s No Name Woman (2241), I often tried to put all my characteristics into two boxes: Finnish and Bulgarian. Balance, however, seems to have been reached, and instead of feeling confused and like an outcast, both cultures now enrich me. I hold two worlds in me.
This insight into the different lives has brought up the beast in me that is anger: segregation is what I hate, and never will anything get my blood boiling as discrimination and stereotyping will. I am so much more than what I should be as solely a northerner or only a southerner. I am so much more than I should be or could be, if my existence were to be based on foolish overgeneralizations. Out of the stereotypes “I rise” (Angelou) and refuse “to confine oneself to a narrow, airless, tightly roofed arena“ (Mukherjee qtd. In Gilbert and Gubar 2253). I am whatever I want to be. I am more.

My grandmother was a fighter. For nearly a decade she lived with the cancer that took her from me. Even in her wheelchair she would be the perfect role model: loving, smart, accepting, always willing to learn from the world and the mistakes made in everyday life; even with only one breast she was the most beautiful woman in the world. The loss of the most important person has a crushing effect: there seems to be no point in continuing one’s life. Who do I wish to please now, and why would I try my best, when I can not share my accomplishments with her? As the days, weeks, and months after her death went by, however, as with Mrs. Bhave, braveness and the voyage of my own life made moving on finally possible (Mukherjee 2265).
As of this month, all but one of my grandparents are gone. Yet it is possible to smile, for the memories and life lessons they have taught me are still alive. I will always try my best - maybe grandmother sees my effort from afar. I will always try to look and act like an intellectual lady - for maybe the other grandmother still keeps me under her watchful eye. No matter what, I will respect those who work hard to provide for their families, as I know my grandfather’s whole life was about the betterment of his two daughters’ lives. While there is still time, my remaining grandfather will not be taken for granted. His wisdom, hugs, and reassuring and proud words are like priceless pearls that will be forever kept around my neck, even after he, too, is gone. I am Sirkka’s, Hannu’s, Tanja’s, and Peter’s oldest granddaughter.

To every human being that has touched me and influenced me along the road, for not a single utterance, act, and prayer has been in vain. I have been a daughter, a sister, an angel, a brat, a blessing, an idiot, a teacher and a role model, a student, a bad example, a moron, sunshine, an empress, and so much more completely owing to the relationships in my life. Niko taught me never to be too stubborn about anything, for it is surprising what can be learned if having courage enough to admit a mistake [ for the longest time, he did not believe a country called Bulgaria exists] . Aino taught me that playing with barbies is not just a game, it is a way of enriching one’s life. Misha taught me that getting past the superficial and the worry about outer appearance or looks can be the most important milestone on the road to astonishing beauty. Damany taught me that true friendship extends through time and place, and it is not easily overcome by trouble. Mariela taught me that money is not a prerequisite for a wealthy life, and that richness needs to be measured in something completely different to achieve fulfillment. I am in awe of all the people that have blessed my life through theirs. I am a peoples' person.

The people of the past who “dreamed dreams that no one knew...and saw visions no one could understand” (Walker 2315) are the ones that made so much of what I am today possible. To women like Sojourner Truth, Mary Wollstonecraft, and Rebecca West, as well as men like Aristotle, Newton, Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., for they are “flaming like torches...[ that] define the borders of my journey” (Lorde 2132). If it was not for the then revolutionary ideas, realizations, and acts of these people - among many others - a great deal of the knowledge, freedoms, and rights that are taken for granted today would only be distant fantasies. If they had not come before me, would I be able to fight the fights they fought and thus ensure a better future for those coming after me. Am I willing to go the extra mile to oppose to and hopefully overcome the wrongs that are done in today’s society? Am I optimistic and confident enough, that I keep working hard towards reaching goals such as equality, even through trials and tribulations, and although I know the goals will not be reached in my lifetime? I wish to do my part in making the world a better place. I am to be the admired grandmother; I am tomorrow’s hero from the past.

To whom do I owe my personality and character?

“Guided by my heritage [ , my education, those around me, and God] ...in search of my mother’s garden, I found my own” (Walker 2321), and everlasting gratitude extends to all that has influenced what I am today. I hope never to overlook a blessing sent to me in the form of a person, a book, a song, or anything else. Still, it is I who must take the first step and walk the walk towards building my character and making me me. I am the builder.

To the woman inside of me, revealing herself little by little, as time goes by and the possibilities for growth present themselves. To continuous desire for betterment, and to the love for self that seems to surface every now and then; they are what make happiness and satisfaction possible. The eyes that are pointed upwards and the mind that strives towards the heart’s dreams and goals provide the fuel that runs this life.

I am a work in progress, and I am a masterpiece.

I am Tanja.